Ill Dreams After Midnight

I wake from a dream, unsettled and shivering. In this dream, I am being persecuted and railed against by some sort of organization, something like those people who protest outside the funerals of soldiers. I am afraid to go into public, because they are always there, and I don’t stand too close to windows for […]

Juteau on the Move

Her name is Juteau, although I don’t know if it’s her first name or last. With a name like that, one would think that she was from France or Quebec or Indochina, although I’m not certain if anyone from Laos still speaks French. Not that it matters, really, since she was born in San Diego […]

The Cartography of Desire

I started to write about this:   The rain, pouring like a waterfall. Me in the yard, wearing nothing but a red sweater, sodden and heavy, leaving one shoulder bare and me naked below the waist. You on the porch, dry hands on the wooden railing, unable to look away. I’m cold in the wet […]

The Artistic Process

“Oh my God,” Bez says from in my kitchen. “Have you been eating anything that isn’t bad for you?” I am on the sofa, in grimy sweat pants and a T-shirt I’ve been wearing for three days straight. “I’ve been writing. Nutrition wasn’t important. Productivity was.” “You’re living like a homeless person.” “I wasn’t living […]

Fries and Shakes

“That is so absolutely not attractive,” I say. “Wait, wait,” Bez says. “I’m not finished yet.” “Doesn’t it hurt?” “Only if they’re too hot,” she says. “You don’t want to get a burn on the inside.” My phone rings and I answer it without looking, which is unlike me, given my general dislike of the […]

A Sleepless Night

I am very sleepy today, and all the coffee in the world isn’t going to help, I think. The Kitchen God looks on disapprovingly as I brew some anyway. “Be quiet,” I say to him. “I don’t want to hear it.” He remains silent, but I know what he’s thinking. Jealous, fickle Kitchen God. I […]

3 a.m.

I should be in bed, but I am not. I have not felt well today, or yesterday either for that matter: a little lightheaded, a little unsteady. I’m not sure what it is, if it’s a bug I’ve managed to catch or some internal imbalance of my body’s own making, but it’s unpleasant and unsettling. […]

The Color of Water

Oh, my beautiful Bez, how I dream of you tonight. My sleep has been light, interrupted by dream upon dream of you. In one, we are in a small house in the middle of a field of red poppies, a tiny bent and crooked house, painted white, red brick chimney built at impossible angles. A […]

Distractions

Nikola takes me home, once lunch is over, and I kiss him before he rides off on his motorcycle. He’s working on a project that he is eager to return to, one that he won’t discuss with me. I don’t press, because I am the same way when I am working on something as well. […]

Without Focus

Some nights, here alone in my house, the words I want to write flit about like moths at a bare bulb, and all I need do is reach my hand out and grab them. This is not one of those nights. I phone Nikola, wondering if he will be awake at two in the morning. […]